•finding my new beauty•

If someone were to ask me what I love about myself my first response would be my boobs and hair. Honest to god...... but with obvious reason, both of those physical features are about to change (or have already changed). 

I’m finding new beauty in myself as I begin this long journey. My strength, my confidence, my mind, & believing in myself. That’s what I love lately. 

It’s interesting when you are diagnosed with a certain disease or have a life changing event, how your perspectives and thoughts immediately change. I started to believe/love myself differently. 

As I approach the BIG dreaded day on 1.30.18, I find myself doubting my ability to be strong and able to beat cancer. I find myself feeling weak and unmotivated. I blame it on stress as I don’t think I’ve ever been this emotional and stressed in my life. I allow myself to go through the emotions as this is part of grief. And grief is exhausting. 

I haven’t really reached the mad or angry stages as I’m still in the sad phase. That’s to be expected as much of what has happened has been so “physical” so far. But being gentle on myself and giving my mind and body the ability to really be in the moment and “feel”... feel the pain, raw/ugly/grueling. Because I have a feeling the empowered/confident/strong Jessie will start to make a comeback. SOON.

This whole cancer experience is going to change me, I’ve already changed. But allowing myself to flex with that change and not be resistant is important. And with that comes new beauties in life: new relationships, new priorities, & a newness of peace and love. 

As I continue to get ready (let’s face it, as much as I can get “ready”) for chemotherapy on Tuesday, I decided to cut my hair short. I had short hair like this in college and loved it. Cutting that much hair off is empowering, freeing, & again allowing myself to see my beautiful features.... like my eyes, my heart, & of course my strength. 

I love, love, love you all.....

Jessie 

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