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Showing posts from February, 2018

• it’s just hair.... •

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I shaved my head today.  Yes, it was a bit scary. Yes, I was anxious. Yes, I was scared to see myself bald. But it was time.My hair was falling out in HUGE clumps since my last infusion and my hair follicles were actually starting to hurt. I was scared to even wash my hair as I knew it would all start to fall out in my hands.Darren went to buy clippers and he was a champion. He started shaving my head and of of course the kids were very curious.Miles said, “mama, you funny!”And Scarlett helped me pick out a scarf to wear for the day. Then gave me a BIG Scarlett hug. *love her*Darren said I looked beautiful. *ah thanks love*They are going to be ok, as am I. I felt empowered.... hell ya! How many women get to shave their heads?!?! Hello GI Jane. I felt like I took control of this part of my journey. And once I put my scarf on, I felt like ME. Sometimes ya gotta just JUMP and that is exactly what I did today! My family empowers me to feel strong and I gain most of my energy from them. I …

| chemotherapy infusion #2 |

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Tuesday, February 13th. The day I went in for my 2nd infusion. I had been battling the flu and an awful cold the week before, so my body was very weak. My oncologist wanted to see me before moving forward with my 2nd infusion. She wanted to ensure that I was strong enough and that my white blood cells were continuing to increase. On Sunday and Monday, I still felt tired and weak, but when I woke up on the 13th, my body was ready to fight. My oncologist said everything looked good and we both decided to move forward with my chemotherapy. The sooner I complete my infusions.... the sooner I will be DONE.Darren had to work on the 13th so it was just my mom and me this round. I decided to bring my special blanket that a dear family me ever made for me. This way I can wrap up with all the love from my family. You can tell in my eyes from the photo that I still didn’t feel too well and oh so tired! This awful disease is really starting to get me down.....I didn’t get my last infusion nurse, …

• it’s not always rainbows + unicorns •

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I miss my old self. Endless energy, able to run for miles, wearing shirts or tank tops that actually fit, routines, wine, happy hours, my life.  My old life.I came across a quote that stopped me in my tracks, “ you’ll never be the same after cancer.” I’m already different and I’ll never be the Jess before C. She’s gone and new normals are forming. I was rather deflated last week as I was missing some old friends, sick as a dawg, & I found myself thinking of the people that I’d hardly heard from. The friends that are slowly going away, the people (even family) that don’t know what to say. Believe me, nothing you can say or think will scare me as much as this journey. NOTHING! I think the real part of my journey is sinking in. I continue to be strong physically but mentally, it’s exhausting. The what if’s have started:“What if the cancer comes back?”“What if I have to have radiation?”“What if my body doesn’t fully heal?”Blah... blah... blah. I know I’m allowed to have bad days, but …