• it’s not always rainbows + unicorns •
I miss my old self. Endless energy, able to run for miles, wearing shirts or tank tops that actually fit, routines, wine, happy hours, my life.
My old life.
I came across a quote that stopped me in my tracks, “ you’ll never be the same after cancer.” I’m already different and I’ll never be the Jess before C. She’s gone and new normals are forming.
I was rather deflated last week as I was missing some old friends, sick as a dawg, & I found myself thinking of the people that I’d hardly heard from. The friends that are slowly going away, the people (even family) that don’t know what to say. Believe me, nothing you can say or think will scare me as much as this journey.
I think the real part of my journey is sinking in. I continue to be strong physically but mentally, it’s exhausting. The what if’s have started:
“What if the cancer comes back?”
“What if I have to have radiation?”
“What if my body doesn’t fully heal?”
Blah... blah... blah.
I know I’m allowed to have bad days, but I sure do hate them!
A huge part of my healing is grief. I constantly tell myself that it’s ok to be scared, angry, anxious. It’s ok to ugly cry and let it out in the middle of the grocery store when it all hits you (yes, this happened to me), it’s ok to let go of relationships that might not be as strong as I thought. It’s all ok.
I’ve changed and I will probably change even more as my journey continues.
Cancer is quite lonely. (Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate all of you!!) But it’s lonely to lay in bed all day, it’s lonely to not get to go out and see friends, & it’s lonely to miss family events.
I’m attaching a good reminder to friends and family near and far on how to reach out. The hard part of this grueling journey is just beginning....
* I had to do a post to show my true self. I’m not always rainbows and unicorns and sometimes I need a good raw post. Besides, I’ve decided to document my pink journey and I want you all to see the real me*
Love + Light,