•it’s getting real•

A lot has happened since my last expansion last week and I want to fill you all in as this week has been very busy and emotional.

I had my follow up oncology appointment on Friday, 1.12.18 (HBD Mom) and met with my oncologist, Dr. B and I also met my oncologist navigator, Beth. 

Dr. B went over all of my final results from my surgey again and confirmed that I had 5 small tumors in my right breast. The largest was 2.7 cm and she also informed me that the tumors were all separate, not one large one that split. She then reviewed my hormone levels (I am positive in this area as my cancer is fueled by hormones). My estrogen was around 95% (which is a good thing) & my progesterone was only 10% (NOT good). 

Darren asked a very interesting question as I know many of you have reached out wanting to know the answer as well, “If Jess’s margins were clear and there isn’t any cancer in her lymph nodes, then why does she need chemotherapy?”

Dr. B explained again that my cancer is fueled by hormones and there are a couple of reasons why I need chemotherapy: a.) My age b.) Multiple tumors c.) My progesterone level is below 90% (mine was 10%) So, unfortunately chemotherapy would be in my treatment plan. 

Dr. B also spoke again about radiation as I thought I was in the clear and this step was not needed, but turns out, that might not be the case. Usually radiation is recommended when there is lymph node involvement or when there are tumors larger than 5cm, so I am in the clearing for both of these. BUT when you add up ALL 5 of my tumors, they equal larger than 5cm. So again, there could be a chance that radiation is now needed after chemotherapy.

This bummed me out. A LOT. 

I have been penciling late May in as the date I would be done with treatment. Then the remaining of my reconstruction completed soon after that.

But radiation would change all of these plans. As my treatment calendar will be longer, my reconstruction will be moved out, radiation causes extreme fatigue, my skin could get damaged/burnt again changing my reconstruction dates and process. 

This deflated me a bit......

Don’t get me wrong, I’m ready to be healthy and take on what is necessary but again, it’s going to be an emotional year. A year that I could have never seen coming. A year of growth and “new” normals and year of cancer. F’n CANCER!!! 

Still can’t believe it most days. I really can’t believe it’s happening to me. That I’m that 1 in 8. Me. 

I also had my 2nd expansion on 1.17.18 as I decided on 40 ml this time. So I’m at a total of 100 ml and need to get to 275ml. This time I could feel the needle a little more but I was a “little” bit less nervous. Love my nurse, Tracey as she seems to be an angel in my journey and someone that I’m so very lucky to have met. She’s incredible and I’m grateful for her incite. 

Then on 1.18.18 but phone was blowing up with follow up appointments most of the day. I got the 2nd most dreaded call (the first was on original diagnosis, of course). The oncology appointment setting department called me, to set up my.... chemotherapy infusions. 

*gulp*

It’s here friends, the date is here. 

Tuesday, January 30th at 9:00am, I will be checking into the infusion room for my first chemotherapy. 

*double gulp*

Good lord. Now it’s written on my calendar and staring at me, bold and ugly. The day I’ve been dreading. Everything else is checked off and procedures have been completed and it’s here. 

I called my cancer therapist and met with her immediately. She’s incredible and her name is Marci. She is super calming, great listener, & gave me a lot of good advice on managing the next couple of months, mostly emotionally. I’ll be seeing her again after my first infusion. 

So next week is HUGE as I think I have appointments every day to get ready for 1.30.

I’m feeling quite blah today as it’s just hard to grasp this next phase. I look on the mirror and still see my blonde hair, my tired mommy eyes, my body feeling strong, my eye brows/eyelashes, & my clear mind. And I know, ALL of this is about to change. 

ALL.OF. IT. 

I’m gonna need you all. I am. Picking up the kids, meals, Park dates, play dates, cleaning, laundry, emotionally, a walking partner, a listener, a hug, a laugh, & lots of LOVE.  

Because when it comes down too it, I’m not only fighting for myself as I’m fighting for all of you! We still need to make more memories and experience more together. We need more time. And I can’t wait to give it to you. 

Send love and light my way for next week as I prepare for the biggest, ugliest, rawest part of my journey. 

Love you all more than you ever know... xx

J.